Belonging

Play song, "Be Mine" with this post


I thought long and hard about how I would word this post. I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad, so please know that before reading.

Growing up, I didn’t always feel a sense of belonging anywhere. I think it comes with the territory of split families… new husbands, new wives, new kids. Its no one’s fault, or anyone’s specific doing, just couldn’t help feeling out of place a lot, or simply that I didn’t really belong. Relationships play a big role in this as well, and it’s sad to admit that I didn’t always have the best relationships with people in my family. I’m happy to say that I do now, and I am so grateful for that. But probably the person I had the best relationship with in my childhood is the one person I spent the least amount

of time with unfortunately. That would be my sister. She and I had an interesting bond that I can’t really describe, just was there and real. No one got me like she did, and I think that’s why I had such a hard time when she died. My small sense of belonging completely went away for a long time.

I am confident in where I belong now. That is with Steve, and of course Emarie. But, the feeling has definitely intensified in the last little while. Sometimes I feel the bond between Steve and I so strong that I’m amazed that anything could ever waiver it. The times that I can remember are so clear in my mind, like they were only moments ago. There are some personal moments, like waking up after a DNC and the first thing I saw were his eyes bearing into mine. I can’t even describe what I felt in that moment, but I remember before I fell asleep and thinking that I could never be happy again because of what was happening; and then waking up and seeing what was written on his face. He knew… he understood, it was like there was no one else but him, and somehow I knew it was going to be alright…. That he and I would get through this, because we had each other.

 Picture from when we were dating, the day before I moved to Germany

Engagement pics

Our wedding day

December 12, 2003

When I watch Steve and Emarie together, it’s magical. There’s really no better way to put that. No one puts a smile on her face like her dad. No matter what, there is no one suited better to be Emarie’s father. They say that when a woman becomes a mother, she just knows what to do without anyone telling her. Not this mom. But her dad, well let’s just say that he knew what to do, and everything I do well is because of him. I wish I could do more justice to everything that he is, but I don’t think I can. I just hope he knows how amazing he is in my eyes. I appreciate how hard he works for his family. For all the love he shows in his own way. Mostly for keeping it all together, even when I let it all fall apart. Something has to be said for a guy that will listen to the same track over and over again for his little girl…. And did I mention that track is from an N’Sync CD?

Taken after Em's most recent surgery. Seriously no one calms her better than her dad

He has stuck by me when a lot of people wouldn’t have. He puts up with a lot from me too….. did I mention I like to listen to the same songs too (hmmm, wonder where Em gets it?)? Though, I like to think that Maroon 5, Train and David Gray are a lot better than N’Sync!

 I owe a lot to him, and some I will never be able to pay back. Wherever he is, that’s where I belong. 

My belonging