Play song, "Cosmic Love" with this post
What can I say? I am really tired of having my worst fears/nightmares made into reality over and over again. I think every parent would agree that seeing their child covered in blood is one of the worst nightmares, and I've had that nightmare come to reality twice this year. Which is just plain not fair... well shit really, and I don't care what anyone thinks of me for using that word. This moment deserves a lot worse, so I'm being more than fair.
I will get to the bad in a minute... first I'm going to depict the whole day of surgery, because the beginning will make the post a bit brighter.
So, to start off, Em had a pretty late check-in time... latest ever, by a long shot. 2:15 to be exact. I am on Spring Break this week, and Steve had already taken the day off for Em's surgery, but we debated whether or not he should just go ahead and work half the day. But, we decided we wanted to do something fun before, and that's what we did. We decided on the Tracy Aviary and Liberty Park, since they're both within minutes of Primary. This took a lot of coaxing for mommy since she doesn't like birds (
note this post). But, it was a lot of fun, and I'm really glad we did it!
These were actually taken Monday after Em got her brand new prescription sunglasses (a bit of a splurge, but this girl is SOo worth it!), and we got some sunshine to go with it *nice*
Here's some from the Aviary
Peacocks
Emarie amazed at the birds flying all around
Em and mommy
Em and Daddy
Flamingos *strange birds*
Swans, with their new baby *cute*
Em and I in front of the swans
Em as a Toucan
Tried to catch a picture of them both in the holes, but this is all I caught
In front of the eagle
In front of the penguin
Waving
And Liberty Park
This is a series of special needs swings they have. Em looks like she's drowning in it ;) But she loved it!
At the top of the slide that Em went down all by herself!
And now for the surgery pictures (and these are not with the good camera, so they're going to look significantly different)
Registration waiting area
Getting a nebulizer treatment beforehand
Playing with some toys (we had the whole waiting room to ourselves since Em was the last surgery of the day)
Getting checked-in
Giving mommy a hug (really wish this was taken with the better camera, because it's a good picture)
Pre-OP waiting area
And of course, our classic anesthesiologist picture
probably one of the nicest anesthesiologists we've ever had too :)
The actual procedure probably only took an hour, but they took her straight to the PICU, and we had to wait in the waiting room for over an hour after that. I finally went and asked what was taking so long and that's when we were permitted to go back.
This was Em for about an hour tops....
But, it didn't take long for her to be back to her busy self ;)
Toys galore!
But sadly this was the calm before the storm. That night is when it got bad. Pain was terrible, nothing was helping (this was depicted in the
last post)... but finally we she got some solace at 3:30 am and sleep ensued... that is until the vomiting began at 5 am, but then we were happy and wanted to play. But then, she slept again from 6 until 9 when she threw up again... so she didn't have food from 3 am on (which was a blessing for the horror that later came).
Things were going really well today, until about 2 pm
But, here's some before shots
We're glad our best friend Minnie is here ;)
Have an absolute "no no" on a toothbrush in her mouth, which is fine by Em since she gets to have her oral cleansing sponges she loves so much (what's in her mouth in these pictures)
So, now I'm going to write out what is already the hardest thing in my life to write out (I still haven't been able to write about my sister though). I have to do this, because I think it will help me get passed it (sounds familiar because I said these exact words just about 2 months ago).
I had been waiting for Em to nod off so I could sneak downstairs and maybe find something that I could stomach... well she finally did fall asleep, and a very willing student nurse was sitting with her, so I felt comfortable to leave for 20 minutes or so. I ate what I could, then proceeded to the gift shop to get my sweetheart a balloon, and couldn't resist the sweet little doll either :) I made the whole trip in less than 15 minutes and was feeling pretty proud of myself until I stepped through the glass and faced my worst nightmare.
There is a less than 1% chance of post-operative bleeding from a TNA... less than 1%
I am still shaking, shocked, sick..... horribly sick thinking about this. I do not wish this sight on any parent. My dear Emarie, had already a puddle of blood in her lap and it just kept gushing out of her mouth. I should have lost it, but I for the most part held it together as I immediately rushed to aid the panicked nurses. The physicians had been notified and were on their way. When did this start? Why was this happening? Is she ok? All these questions rushed out of my mouth, and I'm sure were jumbled together, and repeated. I remember them telling me it had just started, and being shocked at that because there was already so much blood... so much blood.
It only took one look from the ENT's to know that Em needed to go to the OR immediately. At this point, this is where I lost it. I don't remember how many of them asked if I was ok, or needed to sit down. I know I had texted Steve already: "Can you come back now? Em is bleeding bad and I am really scared." But I had to call now to give him the new information, because my fingers were shaking too badly to do anything else, he was already on his way, but it still seemed like it was an eternity before he got here. But he did make it before she got out.. barely. Never had a harder goodbye into surgery than that one. First time I've seen the inside of the actual OR at Primary too (I hope the last). I couldn't contain my sobs when Emarie started to cry as I walked out of her sight. But I just kept telling myself that Steve would be there soon.
They only took a half an hour to cauterize the few sites she was expelling blood from, they told us that one was very near an artery *I don't have to tell you that that scared the hell out of me*. They even had to pump her stomach, because it too, was full of blood. All in all, probably over 2 cups, but it wasn't measured, so that's not determined. Luckily she didn't need a transfusion, but they were prepared for that, and told me it was likely.
She was in a lot of pain when they wheeled her back in our PICU room 10, and very hard to console. She kept saying, "OOOww" over and over, and pointed to her head when I asked what hurt. Can't even tell you what this does to my heart... I just have to wonder how many times it can break.... be tormented.... shattered, before it stops altogether. I really don't know how much more I can take. I don't feel strong, resilient, or anything else I've been called this year.
She has been stabilized now, and has been sleeping comfortably for the last 3 and a half hours. And it's staying that way as long as we keep on top of her pain meds. But, I am still afraid to leave her side... terrified actually.
They said this would be her worst surgery, I brushed it off as nah, this is nothing.... but they were right.... boy were they right.
I just really can't take anymore of this, so all I want to hear is that it's over.... please tell me that it's over.
