The mother I was 5 years ago never knew what it was like to walk around a grocery store with her child and not receive stares, or looks of pity, or looks of knowing from other mothers like me. She never knew what it was like to not work with her child endlessly to receive the smallest milestone. She did not know what it was like to not worry endlessly that her child would not make it to the next day. She didn't know what it was like to not have over 20 different specialist constantly telling you what was "different" about your child.
There were some things she did know that she never thought she would. She knew the inside of the children's hospital like the back of her hand and could've driven there with her eyes closed. She also had a wealth of knowledge she never intended to and could spit out medical jargon better than most first year residents. She knew what it was like to be on the parent end of an IEP.... But, there were a lot of things she didn't know.
But the new mother came out unkowinigly. She only shows herself when her oldest is not with her, and she only has the youngest. She sees the world completely different. No one stares at her as she wheels her shopping cart around with her toddler and her newborn, no one pities her, no one is glad that they're not her... At least not for the reason she's use to.
It was also enlightening for this mother to find out that her husband shared that it also took him a few months of picking up and carrying around their new baby boy before he quit checking for "cords" too.
A part of her enjoys being this mom, but another part of her does not, and she feels guilty for the part that enjoys it.
Some may have a different perspective on this... Those that were that second mom first, meaning those that had their typical children first. I wonder if it is even harder for them?
For such a long time, that first mom was all I knew, I wouldn't say I was "good" at being her, but I was comfortable, and for the most part, I knew how to do it.
This other mom, I still don't feel like I know her well. Albeit, she doesn't emerge often.
I am just now getting to the point of admitting that there are two very different mothers inside of me. And I guess the biggest challenge is learning to balance the two of them and give each of them credit.
Emarie, 5 months old
Ryker, 2 days old
Hallie, 15 minutes old
I started this post over a month ago and never felt like it was "finished" and I think I know why now. The fact that I am feeling the distinct pull from these two mothers at this time, as really they are completely split for the time being.
Em is now nearly on day 7 of her first unexpected hospital admission in 4 years. This time due to a bad case of influenza which brought on pancreatitis and an ileus in her intestines. She was first admitted to American Fork hospital, but was quickly transported to Primary when she was basically in organ failure. This is the sickest she has been in a very long time and the first time that this has happened since she has had siblings. Her daddy and I have been doing our best to split our time in each place equally, but being as I know her medical history so well and the fact that I have such terrible anxiety when I leave her, I have been here more. But it makes me feel like I'm cheating Hallie and Ryker who both also have influenza (all are taking tamiflu). My hats off to those families that do this all the time. I don't know how you don't fall apart. Because it's killing me to be away from my husband constantly and half my babies at any given moment. It sucks.
I feel so lost when I've been putting the two youngest to bed, feeling like I have nothing to do. No night meds to prepare, no breathing treatments to administer, no monitors to check, no routine that I have lived with for the last 7 years. And it is a strange feeling. I honestly don't know what to do with myself.
I realized how much I've learned from being the first mom, and how much it's helped me be the new mom. Especially in a time like now when even my typical children are threatened with a hospital stay. I know how to listen for correct breathing patterns and heart rhythms. I can tell almost to the exact degree what my child's temperature is without a thermometer. I know when there's something not right with my kids even before they do. Which is why I was so persistent even after Em had been to the doctor not once, not even twice, but three times! Each time to be told I just needed to let the steroids do their work. My mommy instincts are killer and they are in full force now.
Em is still chronically vomiting and some is bloody just like so many times before, and I'm not letting it go when and if it stops this time, I WILL demand we figure this out. I WILL demand that my child matter to the doctors here. I WILL be heard in her behalf.
"She is my heart, I am her voice"
