The Cry That Shook OUR World

*Play song, "It's Us Against the World" with this post

It's hard to shake us, or get us down these days. We've developed skins of tough hide through our experiences. But this did it.... it did it good.

I have been very surprised and pleased with myself at how I take news each and every time I hear those words.... "I think she'll need surgery to correct this". I have only (that I can remember) broken down twice over it... of course the first time ever I'd heard those words, and then of course that lonely feeling day in March of 2010.... only twice, not too bad when there's been numerous times it's been said. Until today. 

I have learned now to never again utter the words, "we're done"... because then it just simply will never happen. I was told a few weeks ago that Em would be needing some more work on her feet... this I could take though, even though it was the first one to shatter those words of, "we're done". Perhaps because I knew in the back of my mind that there would always be work to be done on those poor crooked feet... and perhaps it was Dr. Stotts, who always seems to make me feel at ease when he delivers the news of impending surgery. 

Today was different. Maybe it's because these doctors are more clinical with the way they deliver news, and not really with much compassion...  not that there's really anything wrong with that... well sometimes there is I suppose. But, they are all great doctors that we respect, and in fact most doctors are this way. I have come to learn that Dr. Stotts is a rare treasure, a one of a kind for sure and we are grateful for him and the way he cares about our daughter. 

It is not a "for sure" thing yet, but the fact that not one, not even two, but three doctors all without consulting one another came to the same conclusion- Em will need some reconstruction in her upper jaw and face. Not quite sure how anyone could take this news, but after the third time I heard it today, I felt a lump rising in my throat. I gave it my all to swallow it away, as well as keep back the tears that were threatening to spill over and blow my cover completely.... you know, that "tough hide" cover? The mom who smiles and nods and is accepting of all things.... I like to pretend.

This is exactly as unpleasant as it sounds. Not only will she be having jaw widening done, but most likely some work behind her nose, and other facial bones.... this will not be an easy procedure, and most likely very, very painful. Well, why don't you just rip my heart out and stomp on it? Because that I'm sure would be less painful than processing this information.

I did finally let that lump and those tears take over when we finally reached the car. I have not cried like that in I don't even know how long. The kind of sobs that become you... shaking, catching breath, just letting go. And I had to keep reminding myself that it was ok, because by letting go I could then begin the process of accepting. I'm not there yet though, and I don't know how long it will be. 

We will have another sleep study to determine how bad this tiny nose and jaw are affecting Emarie's breathing.... sleeping.... quality of life. After that, it is likely more tests will be done under anesthesia to pin point all the "problem" areas that will need to be "fixed". After that is when they will decide whether this surgery is absolutely necessary this soon.... but let's face it, it's Em and us... it's going to happen. We did know this was going to happen, just didn't think it was coming for several years. That was actually another big concern- if we do this now, is there a chance she's going to need it again say in those several years? And the answer to that was, more than likely...... *sigh* When will this girl just get to be a kid?? I hate this, I really do.... and I'm tired of acting like I don't anymore. Sadly, if it shows this needs to be done, then there's no way around it. Her oxygen levels look ok most of the time, but that means her heart and other organs are overworking, and that's not good. So we will do it..... but that doesn't mean we have to like it.

And that's ok.