This post is a bit hard for me to write, which is why I've put it off so long. I think the reason for that is because I feel vulnerable about all of it, and that I'm still at the beginning of this "unattainable dream" that could fleet from my fingers at any moment. I think it was easier to breathe a sigh relief at the last doctors appointment where I once again heard that reaffirming sound of my sweet baby's hearbeat, and knowing that I am now considered past the "safe point". So, now I'll get on with it.
I had gone off birth control long before this happened for us. We knew with the fact that I was on such a high dose of hormones in my birth control to help control frequent cysts and onset of endometriosis, that it might take awhile. My doctor had told me that it could take at least 4-6 months to get pregnant, if at all.... but we were well over a year later and it still hadn't happened, and honestly I had quit expecting it to happen anymore. When the year mark had come and past, I thought about going back to my doctor, but honestly I was afraid.... I was afraid of what she might tell me, I was afraid of fertility clinics, but mostly I was afraid that they would find nothing wrong and I would be left to wonder why. So, I put it off, but it nagged at me.... and nagged. So a few months later I went ahead and made an appointment, I was overdue for my yearly exam anyway.
My doctor expressed concern as well that it had been nearly 16 months with no pregnancy. She suggested we run some blood-work first, since hormone deficiency is the most common and easiest to treat for infertility. The fact that my cycle has only been lasting between 24-26 days, made her think it more likely that I could have a hormone deficiency, and most likely with a cycle that short it was slim I was even ovulating at all. She still did give me some brochures for some fertility clinics, which I hoped I would never have to use. 2 reasons for that... first being that we would spend a whole lot of money and still not get a baby, the other being that our likelihood of multiples is already high... and with our luck, I could see us having 5 :/ Still, I walked out of the office with a little bit of hope and an order to get some blood work, which I did that very day.
A week later I was called by my doctor's office saying they had my results and wanted me to come in as soon as I could. I hoped that meant "good news" if they weren't sharing it over the phone. An hour later Em and I sat down in my doctor's office as she pulled out her notes to discuss the results of my previous blood-work. As we had hoped, it showed I had a significant deficiency in progesterone, which was a super easy fix and most likely to blame for my short cycle and lack in pregnancy. She didn't think it necessary that I begin the medication right away, rather wait until the middle of my cycle, around the time I could be ovulating, which would be around the 16th day of my cycle. This was a Thursday, I should be starting on Saturday. So I was eager and elated that this could finally happen for us. I prayed in the car that day, prayed very hard and long.... didn't expect that prayer to be answered so fast!
Saturday came and went, but my "monthly gift" never came. Not too surprising, I had been late once before since I stopped birth control, and like I'd said I'd quit expecting any other reason for being late.... but I was, and when the end of Sunday came and I still hadn't started, I decided I'd get a pregnancy test to take in the morning, just for my own sanity. Because this was really late, most of the time it came early, so it wouldn't be a bad idea to take a test. Sunday was April Fool's day, and Steve thought it would be funny for us to do what a lot of other people were doing and that was to announce a pregnancy.... I thought it would be cruel though, since I thought a lot of people would really take that to heart and be so happy for us, only to be shot down.
Monday, April 2nd is when I took the first test. I got up in the morning and took a test, waited the 3 minutes and it was negative.... or so I thought ;) Wasn't surprised, of course a little disappointed, but I had been getting better at pushing that disappointment away. I even forgot about it... but then it was Wednesday and I was now 5 days late, so when Em woke up at her almost usual time of 5 am, I decided to take the other test that was in the box, so that that way I could call my doctor to find out what was going on since I was sure this one would be negative as well. 3 short minutes later, I looked at the test to see the same result as before.... negative.... hmm, but then wait.... I think I've been reading this wrong! I've been looking for a + sign all along, and this test says right here that 2 lines indicate a positive result..... 2 lines? I have 2 very bold lines, and come to think of it, so did the last test. I'm pregnant.... I honestly can't believe it. But it must be true, because I have apparently had 2 positive tests telling me so.
I tried to go back to sleep for another hour, but I was too excited to sleep, and I didn't want to wake Steve yet since that's what I had done at more like 4 in the morning when I found out about Em, and I think he had wished I'd waited until later ;) So instead I came out to the living room and laid on the couch and just reveled in my own excitement.
First thoughts- honestly my very first thought that moment was: "I get to do this again, I get to have another shot." Now please don't get me wrong here, Emarie coming to this world is one of the best things that ever happened to me. It's just that her delivery was just such a traumatic moment, full of fear, worry and unknown.... not how it was supposed to be. I felt cheated out of the whole "first birth" experience. So much so that I still have a hard time hearing other people's birth stories, seeing pictures or videos. And I know others have had harder experiences than even I did, and of course those who can't have children on their own, and I am sensitive to that, believe me! So that was my first thought, that I would have that chance again.
My next thought was a little more panicked, "I've never breastfed a baby, I don't even really know how to feed a baby.... how am I going to do this when they'll think I know what I'm doing since I already have a child??" This thought was made evident further down the road when my niece (who's 16 months old) came up to me wanting one of the chips I was eating, and I told her no since I wasn't sure if she could eat them. I later found out from her mom that she was fine to eat chips.... see, typical baby dummy here! But Steve was quick to point out that it would be fine and we would learn along the way like first time parents..... sort of ;)
I tried to go back to sleep for another hour, but I was too excited to sleep, and I didn't want to wake Steve yet since that's what I had done at more like 4 in the morning when I found out about Em, and I think he had wished I'd waited until later ;) So instead I came out to the living room and laid on the couch and just reveled in my own excitement.
First thoughts- honestly my very first thought that moment was: "I get to do this again, I get to have another shot." Now please don't get me wrong here, Emarie coming to this world is one of the best things that ever happened to me. It's just that her delivery was just such a traumatic moment, full of fear, worry and unknown.... not how it was supposed to be. I felt cheated out of the whole "first birth" experience. So much so that I still have a hard time hearing other people's birth stories, seeing pictures or videos. And I know others have had harder experiences than even I did, and of course those who can't have children on their own, and I am sensitive to that, believe me! So that was my first thought, that I would have that chance again.
My next thought was a little more panicked, "I've never breastfed a baby, I don't even really know how to feed a baby.... how am I going to do this when they'll think I know what I'm doing since I already have a child??" This thought was made evident further down the road when my niece (who's 16 months old) came up to me wanting one of the chips I was eating, and I told her no since I wasn't sure if she could eat them. I later found out from her mom that she was fine to eat chips.... see, typical baby dummy here! But Steve was quick to point out that it would be fine and we would learn along the way like first time parents..... sort of ;)
That morning before Steve got in the shower, I sent him this message....
Corny I know, but keep in mind I hadn't had much sleep!
That very day, I made a call for a high-risk OB (doctor's recommendation since I have had a few miscarriages and Em's pregnancy and labor were rather difficult), and luckily they fit me in the very next day with the nurse practitioner. First of all, they confirmed my pregnancy, but expressed concern that I was already having pelvic pain and cramping.... they wanted to make sure I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy with my history, so I went in for my very first ultrasound that evening. Being as I was no more than 5 weeks, they couldn't really see much even by the less than traditional way :S (sorry didn't want to be too graphic.... some of you will probably know what I mean though). So I was then sent next door for more blood-work to check my HCG levels. Next day I tried calling the Doctor's office since I hadn't heard from them yet, and they said a nurse would be calling me with an hour. Not even 10 minutes later I got a call, but not from the nurse, but from the actual doctor whom I haven't even seen yet.... that scared me a bit! She mentioned that my levels looked great for a pregnancy that would be indicative of 5 weeks, her concern though was that I might actually be further along (8-9 weeks) and it actually was implanted somewhere else which would produce some low HCG levels. So she wanted me to repeat the test every other day for the next 2 weeks, possibly repeat an ultrasound in a week, which I did and thankfully we could see the sac was in the uterus, but couldn't see a heartbeat yet... so repeat the blood test for a little longer, then I had another ultrasound nearing the 9 week mark, where there was definitely a heartbeat! Also had a Dr's appointment the next week and we heard the heartbeat with the doppler for the first time :) Here's a little video Steve put together of that
Ok, so next up will be the details of when we told family and photos and videos from the reactions and FYI the video above was done after we'd told our families, but before we had announced it on the blog or Facebook.... so to be continued :)
