A Father's Birth Perspective (Em's Birth Story from Steve)

This is a Father's Day surprise for Steve. He knows I have read this, but I don't think he knew I had it.... so hopefully he doesn't get mad at me for sharing it. I thought it was beautiful though, and such a nice thing for me to see from someone that was there too, but not in the same "state" I was in. 

So here it is  

I have heard it said that having a child born with a disability is like losing a child, losing the child that you imagined you would have had. Losing the ballerina, the football player, all the dreams you had for your child are suddenly dashed into pieces. You have to mourn the loss of that child before you can learn to love the precious child you have before you. I understand why someone would feel this way, maybe that is the right way to feel, but I really don’t think I felt this way when Emarie was born.

The events leading up to Emarie birth was very stressful and hard on Alisha. You can read more about the delivery here. We were both exhausted by the time Emarie was born. I will never forget the first few minutes after Emarie was born…it was the worst moment of my life followed by the best.

Emarie had swallowed some meconium and was not breathing when she was born. She was rushed to the table where they tried vacuuming out her lungs to get her to start breathing. I was videotaping them as they did this. More and more time went by, they couldn’t get the tube down her throat, she wasn’t breathing or crying and she was looking really limp. I had this horrible feeling come over me and I thought I was recording her dying. I didn’t know if I should stop recording or if I should keep recording the last few minutes of her life. I will never get over the despair I felt at that moment, it really felt like my world was collapsing around me and I couldn't breathe. You can’t really imagine the contrast of how happy I felt when she started breathing. The love I feel for Emarie started at that moment.

After a short hug from mommy, Emarie was taken to the NICU. It was many hours before we were able to see her again. The Nurses told us right away that Emarie had a cleft of her hard and soft palate, which was why they were having a hard time vacuuming out her lungs, and that it looked like she had clubbed feet. This really didn’t bother us at all because of what we had just been through; I was just so happy that she was alive.

Finally the pediatrician came to talk to us, she said she was sorry because she had to deliver some bad news. She wanted us to know that Emarie had multiple birth defects; she had a cleft of the hard and soft palate, clubbed feet, and a hole in her heart. Because of all this and some facial characteristics she was sure Emarie had Down syndrome. It really bugged me that she thought we would take this so hard. I asked her if Emarie was stable and why we couldn’t see her. She wanted us to have the information about Down syndrome before we saw her, like maybe we wouldn’t want her or something. I just really wanted to see her, to be able to hold her. I was very concerned about her heart, but when I was able to hold her, I could tell she was a fighter and that she would be alright. At that point I really had no idea how lucky I was to be Emarie’s dad.

And just wanted to share the picture I made for the DIG FB page this morning

This picture was taken by my best friend Lacey Olsen... we cherish the pictures she has taken of our family! Thanks Lace! 

Happy Father's Day to all the amazing dads I know!