I know of....

*Play song, "Hold On" with this post

I know of fear

I know of panic

I know of worry

I know of trauma

I know of sudden loss.... because of this, I believe it causes these other feelings to be more intense

On the other hand...

I know of hope

I know of faith

I know of the calming peace that suddenly comes, allowing me to do things like jam an epinephrin injection into my husband's leg and then get him to the hospital safely but quickly

I know of complete and utter relief

I know of profound gratefulness 

I know of miracles

I have almost lost my husband more times than is fair. I have almost lost my little girl as well more times than is fair. The two people that mean most to me in the world.... the two people whom I love more than anything. The two people to whom would completely change my world if anything happened to either one of them. 

Today Steve had an anaphylactic reaction, and no this wasn't his first.... it wasn't even his second, but it was his fifth in the course of 4 years. I don't know the odds of surviving that many anaphylactic reactions, but my guess is that it's not very high. It's a pure miracle, that he is asleep beside me right now. This was his first in nearly four years, I thought it would never happen again, and even though it was always in the back of my mind with the "what if's" and the "hope not's".... but I didn't worry about it.... that is, until last night. 

They were never able to give us a definite answer as to what caused it four years ago.... the best they could do was to have Steve treat and prevent his hay-fever since it was pretty certain that that was a contributing factor. We were able to narrow it down to 3 things that Steve was fine to have if his hay-fever was at bay: almonds, artificial sweeteners and aspirin. Now we are 99% sure that it is aspirin and that anaphylaxis is always changing since Steve has no sign of hay-fever currently. He is not allowed to take it anymore and I'm not even sure if I'll keep it in the house anymore.

I think people who've lived through real trauma have a different perspective on the world.... not always a bad thing.... not always a good thing either. I have a fear so intense about loosing the ones I love because I know what that loss feels like. But it also helps me remember that I need to keep a clear head because they may need to rely on me. 

This picture was taken May 3rd 2008. I will never forget this day. Steve took this picture with his phone right before he called me. I was almost to work when I answered and could barely understand him tell me that he was having an allergic reaction, that he came home from work and had taken some benadryl and thought that he was fine. I knew why I couldn't understand him.... his tongue was swollen, and it could be a matter of minutes before his throat closed. I thought about calling 911, but knew I could be faster and it didn't take but a split second before I was making an illegal u-turn to head back home.

When I got home, panic took over when Steve didn't respond to my calling to him. I finally found him the bedroom and my heart nearly stopped at the sight of him, because as hard as this may be to believe because of the above picture, he did get worse.... a lot worse. 

Luckily he was barely coherent enough to follow my barking instructions for him to get in the car. We live 5 minutes from the best hospital in Utah county, but I still drove about three times the speed limit and I'm so glad I did, because we literally got there just in time. 

I'll never forget the panicked looks on the ER staff as they immediately took Steve to triage when we entered the doors. I'll also never forget the alarms going off everywhere and the hurried orders that were called from every direction as we all watched his heart rate drop to almost nothing.... the doctors later called it "near cardiac arrest". 

We did not have an Epi Pen then.... but we did this time

This is the difference it made... yes you can clearly see that his right eye is pretty swollen, as well as his lips. And you can see a few hives on his face.... but Steve was able to walk around, he knew what was going on.... he could breathe.... his heart rate did not drop.... and he came home yet again.

We may gripe about the cost of those Epi Pens and the fact that they're more likely to expire before you'd ever have to use them. But I will never complain on their behalf because I know that they are powerful.... that they save lives. 

One saved the life of someone that means the world to me.... and I don't think you can put a price on that.

Truth is that we spent over $1,200 today on the ER visit, the 2 Epi Pen refills and prednisone.... but the bigger truth is I'd do it over and over again.

Pretty cheap for someone I love.