*Play song, "Forgetting" with this post
September 13th marks an eventful day. Not a happy day, but an anniversary nonetheless. I don't want to dwell too much on it, because that doesn't do any good. But this time it is hitting harder.
It's a Tuesday. Tuesday was significant back then... significant for two little girls.
September 13th marks an eventful day. Not a happy day, but an anniversary nonetheless. I don't want to dwell too much on it, because that doesn't do any good. But this time it is hitting harder.
It's a Tuesday. Tuesday was significant back then... significant for two little girls.
Tuesday was the day I was allowed to wear my new boots, because it was finally beginning to be fall, but they were white canvas, so it couldn't be raining..... I never wore them again.
But, the thing that comes to mind first when I heard the 13th fell on a Tuesday yet again, was "Tootie-fruity Tuesday".
I helped my sister pick out her clothes that morning. Her blue, floral print skirt, with the eyelit ruffle at the hem. Pink ribbed shirt, white lace-trimmed socks and white mary-jane shoes. I brushed her hair, and then, most importantly (to her), I helped her pick out a peach from the fridge to go in her pink, heart covered backpack. The peach that she was supposed to share with her class that day for "Tootie-fruity Tuesday".
The teacher that came up with this clever snack idea, is the very teacher I am subbing for the next two weeks. Not the same class, but it may as well be.
I remember every detail of that day. The good and the bad. And as much as I'd like to forget the bad parts, I can't. And maybe there's a reason for that... it happened, it was all real, and it was all a part of her life. I have been angry about what happened for 17 years. For the way she was taken, for the reason that I was forced to witness it. I don't know that I'll ever be able to get past the anger, but sometimes it's not as strong. But thankfully, and I think maybe a little divinely, I came across something last night that a fellow Ch18 mom had shared. It was a list of 45 life lessons, written by Regina Brett at 90 years of age, and #8 simply stated this: "It is OK to get angry at God. He can take it."
Now, I have been angry at God a lot, and it's not something I like to admit, because I feel childish. And I wouldn't necessarily say I blame God for everything bad that's happened, but it's hard to explain. I have screamed at God in frustration many times when I was fearing for Emarie's life. And I wonder why I've had to endure so much. Because there's still some things that hardly anyone knows that I also need to work through. I like the idea that it's alright to be angry, but probably not for 17 years. So, this is me trying to get past it....
I am trying
I helped my sister pick out her clothes that morning. Her blue, floral print skirt, with the eyelit ruffle at the hem. Pink ribbed shirt, white lace-trimmed socks and white mary-jane shoes. I brushed her hair, and then, most importantly (to her), I helped her pick out a peach from the fridge to go in her pink, heart covered backpack. The peach that she was supposed to share with her class that day for "Tootie-fruity Tuesday".
The teacher that came up with this clever snack idea, is the very teacher I am subbing for the next two weeks. Not the same class, but it may as well be.
I remember every detail of that day. The good and the bad. And as much as I'd like to forget the bad parts, I can't. And maybe there's a reason for that... it happened, it was all real, and it was all a part of her life. I have been angry about what happened for 17 years. For the way she was taken, for the reason that I was forced to witness it. I don't know that I'll ever be able to get past the anger, but sometimes it's not as strong. But thankfully, and I think maybe a little divinely, I came across something last night that a fellow Ch18 mom had shared. It was a list of 45 life lessons, written by Regina Brett at 90 years of age, and #8 simply stated this: "It is OK to get angry at God. He can take it."
Now, I have been angry at God a lot, and it's not something I like to admit, because I feel childish. And I wouldn't necessarily say I blame God for everything bad that's happened, but it's hard to explain. I have screamed at God in frustration many times when I was fearing for Emarie's life. And I wonder why I've had to endure so much. Because there's still some things that hardly anyone knows that I also need to work through. I like the idea that it's alright to be angry, but probably not for 17 years. So, this is me trying to get past it....
I am trying
So as all these things hit me hard today, I just have to let it, but still go on with my day. It is the reason I am writing it out, to help.... to cope. I don't think I've ever shared this much on this day.... ever. And it may be the gateway to more.
we shall see.
To honor Breanne today, as Emarie goes off to preschool the same day 17 years later. She is wearing one of Breanne's favorite dresses. One that my mom handed to me just a few days ago stating that she wanted Emarie to have it. Today seemed the perfect day to wear it. I am also sending her with a peach to share with her classmates, a peach that she is taking in her pink backpack.
Emarie with her peach
A picture of Breanne wearing the dress
To honor Breanne today, as Emarie goes off to preschool the same day 17 years later. She is wearing one of Breanne's favorite dresses. One that my mom handed to me just a few days ago stating that she wanted Emarie to have it. Today seemed the perfect day to wear it. I am also sending her with a peach to share with her classmates, a peach that she is taking in her pink backpack.
7 comments:
Very well written post. Thank you for sharing your beautiful sister with us! It is amazing that her short life had such an impact, not only with you and your family, but also for the general public. Much love to you on this day and always! <3
Oh and Emarie Breanne and Breanne both look just lovely in that dress!!
i'm sorry alisha. It looks like Breanne lives on in Emarie. Such a sweet picture/story.
Good Post Lish. Ha, As I'm writing this I'm trying to think of all the things you're 'supposed' to say to something like this:'It's okay to be mad', 'It will get better', 'I know how you feel', etc.
However we both know that there's really nothing that can be said. So I'll stick with 'I love you'. I'll leave it at that.
I'm with Lacey, I'm not really sure if there's anything I can really say. I will never forget that day either but I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for your whole family. But I'm glad that now you have little Emarie to be your sunshine.
Through your posts, I feel like I knew your sister and I miss her too.
I love you Lish! and I love that you post things like this. Over the last few years my eyes have been opened to things that have happened and I totally know what you mean when you explain being mad and not blaming. But Lacey is right... I love you is the best to go with!
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